Today was a rough day. Not for any particular reason, I love this season, things are good....even doing fairly well physically excepting the arthritis flare ups from the rainy weather. So there is no "logical or sensible" reason for me to have struggled all day.

Except I have a long standing battle with depression and anxiety, and today they joined forced and hit me from each side. Some days you wake up and you know...it is going to be a rough day. Everything from noise sensitivity, to tactile issues to just a deep down sorrowful feeling dragged all day. Yes, before you bring it up in "church speak"...yes, I have prayed. I spent a lot of today in prayer, and reading of Scripture. Yes, I could feel God there even through the storms, but the storm was still there too. That's just the way it is sometimes.

No, I'm not typing all of these to get messages and support, I wavered for over two hours before beginning this post. Pain, sorrow, mental illness is usually very private, it is weird to share it so openly, especially when there isn't a "good cause" for it. Nothing that can be pointed towards, nothing that is an easy fix.

I'm sharing this because we *don't* talk about this enough in our society. Sure, so many of us share the cute little "you're not alone with depression" memes, because it makes us feel involved to do so, but we don't actually talk about it a lot. We don't often admit to having it, because it is seen as such a vulnerability in our society. Which is crap, frankly. I have depression because chronic depression runs in my family and there is a chemical imbalance in the brain. That's it. There is nothing shameful about it, no more than having a heart condition. Illness happens.

But when we hide it, like we're ashamed, we give strength to the whispers in our mind...that somehow we're not good enough, or that somehow this is our fault. That we don't measure up, that we're faulty. Guess what friends....everyone I have ever met is faulty and broken in someway; so let's start helping each other down the path of life, instead of hiding when we're hurting.

I am blessed. I have a husband who I can tell, "It's just a hard day,' and he envelops me in a hug and rides out the storm with me. He doesn't criticize or say I should shake it off, or "just feel better." He knows sometimes these days just hit. Because that is life.

If you, like I, suffer from a mental illness, find people to talk to who will seek to understand you, and love you just as you are. If you need medication, get it, there is nothing wrong with getting help. A good counselor can help too, or a pastor or priest who will listen. We all need help getting through this life together. We all have our struggles, whether they are with depression, or insecurity, a bad heart, or any other ailment. You're not going through this alone. Christ is always there to help carry you through, and so be those who love you. If they're not supportive, find friends who are.

If you're having a hard time this holiday season, reach out, to Charles or I. We may not be able to do anything else but listen and care, but that we can do. You don't have to carry that burden alone.

God bless you, friends, and goodnight,

-Beth Haynes Butler